Esteem. It is a weird sounding word that at first listen sounds like it has something to do with laundry. It is not a laundry term, but it is one of the more scarce qualities of many marriages. Webster’s defines it as:
To regard highly or favorably; regard with respect or admiration: Ex: I esteem him for his honesty.
I am going to keep this brief so hopefully some will read it. ☺ If you have had the privilege of having a son or a brother, when that child was little you probably experienced at some point a story similar to that little romancer running outside to the yard and picking dandelions (that he just knew were flowers) and bringing them inside to give to mom with a huge, proud statement such as “Look what I picked for you!” He does this for one reason alone. God has built in to man a great need for honor and respect. This comes in the form of esteem. He does this for the response that he hopes it will solicit from the object of the gift. He feels appreciated, alive, needed, and honored when his mom responds favorably to the gift with praise. Of course she realizes something he doesn’t. It’s not a flower at all and there is certainly nothing special about them. After all, they grow in every yard. She is able to see the beauty in the gift, not because of the gift, but because of the sincerity and purity of the motive of its offering.
The point that I want to make is that the thing that motivates that little boy to do something as goofy as pick a weed and present it with pride as a cherished gift is the same thing that motivates most men to go to work every day, to paint a living room, to fix a leaky faucet, etc. The truth is that that motivation never leaves a man. It is the thing that God put in him at creation – a need for honor and respect.
If you are married to a man who struggles with purveying non-sexual affection, he probably digs in to things like work. This can add to the struggle for a woman in a marriage who feels as though she is not receiving the affection she needs. If you are a man who struggles with non-sexual affection, you may not even realize why you dig in to work so hard when things are rough at home.
The truth is that this basic need never leaves man. Ladies, while his effort may seem like he is presenting a weed to you as though it is a prized gift, see if you can keep in perspective to the situation the reality of the basic need he has for honor and respect. Sure it is a weed. Perhaps diving in to a path of esteem by verbal praise and thanks for the things that are done could change his heart through the feeling of acceptance and appreciation he will now receive from you in such a way that it moves his heart toward the honor and respect he is feeling from you in that moment because it is meeting a basic need that he has that was placed there at creation. This of course is assuming an otherwise healthy relationship. He will find the praise for his effort somewhere! Maybe a paycheck, maybe a promotion, maybe an award, or even a relative, but this basic need will be met somehow. By choosing to be the one who meets this need for him you take a proactive stance toward esteeming him and having a healthy marriage by actively seeking to engage this basic human reality.
Would love to know what you think!
